- Stevie the Sweetie
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matita_amante- December 6th, 10:01
- Neutral, like water.
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- matita_amante
- December 2nd, 9:31
bored
So everything is going back to normal. Sydney Called & Webcam-ed me like usual and she's avoiding any deep topics. So she's coming to my art show on Saturday with Steven & I. We all might go see a movie after the show...That's if Rebecca doesn't have her sleep over on Saturday. HOPEFULLY IT'LL BE FRIDAY!! =)
Life is starting to look less sad and I like it.
- Just keep running up that hill. . .
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- matita_amante
- November 30th, 22:07
You just have to keep running, and running.
Doesn't matter if your legs get tired...you just keep running and running.
Your legs move on their own.
Sometimes we want to just STOP.
Put the world on hold.
It doesn't have to stop...
...just a pause...
a break.
But it doesn't happen.
So we do the best we can to cope with the life we have now.
We build walls
Make friendships that are bound to get broken.
We all need companionship...
...but sometimes...
it's better to just shut down.
"I'm going to build my wall up again ; however this time I will do it brick by boring brick , until I get it right ."
- Happy Thanks Giving. =)
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- matita_amante
- November 26th, 23:43
Spending a wonderful day with my god mother, we watched four movies and ate some turkey. Palindromes is a good movie. It makes you think about life.
"We're all in a never ending cycle and we can't do anything about it."
"But we'll eventfully go to heaven...or maybe even hell. You don't believe in God? I believe in God, he'll make everything better."
"Whatever makes you feel better."
"...."
Sydney has started talking to me again, These are her words:
"I'm pretty sure you know I may be moving to California. I've been treating you like someone average in my life. You're not and you know this. You were my first girlfriend, lover—whatever you want to consider what we were. I couldn't stop thinking about you this whole time I pushed you out of my life, honestly. I know since I'm moving I didn't want the pain of missing you while we were in Cali. I thought that if I started hating you now then it would be less painful to abandon you...but is it really may place to try to change fate? I hope you except me back as your Bestie. I'll act like nothing ever happened between us and things will go back to normal. Just like old times. Luff you Butter-Cookie."
- Uncompleted masterpiece.
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- matita_amante
- November 24th, 3:53
Today I just got the bottom of my braces up on and I feel like this is that start of me starving myself for food. lol. Every time I eat I cut the side of my mouth OPEN. I'm already bleeding a lot now. I tried to eat some Brownies Steven brought over but They ended up being bloody brownies by the time they were in my mouth being chewed. My bottom braces are still clutching my teeth together and it hurts a lot. I think I'll skip lunch tomorrow. I found my ID & house keys as well...
But today we moved in the last set of boxes into our new home. We shouldn't be going over there anytime soon. When I came home I found the pink book Tessa & I made when we were happy and young. I've been holding on to the book along with everything else from my past that's happy. The VHS's of my parents & I when we were a happy family. In the end I made a letter to Tessa which she possibly won't see. It was a letter expressing and being completely honest with myself & her. I'll type up the letter in another entry but I think it helped me a lot. As I was writing it I figured out why I have been so miserble. I hold onto the past like a child that holds onto a blanket when they're scared.
My past is my comfort zone and I sink in there anytime I feel lost. After I finished writing the letter I felt so....light. Everything seemed to have disappeared from my life and I just lied down on my bed after that. I had the fan turned on like we would in the summer times. I didn't even both checking my phone I just closed my eyes and relaxed. now I'm sitting here again at 4am about to do it again. When I woke up at midnight a few hours again I have 3 new text & 2 missed calls. 3/5 things were from Steven.
I feel bad but I can't tell him what's really been bothering me because I feel like he'll just roll his eyes. My family is a mess...my mother is a mess, my father has fallen off the face of reality. The bother & sisters I will NEVER see again. & Me? Well....you can just tell what's wrong with me from previous entries.
- "Home."
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- matita_amante
- November 20th, 21:56
So today things were calm and seemed to be going good until the last hour of school. I lost my keys somewhere between the transition of 7th-8th period. =/ I got in Major trouble after I told my mom. She started screaming at me asking me the famous line everyone seems to yell at me, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!?" I guess I'll never know what's wrong with me....
After that she told me not to come home because she didn't feel like looking me at the moment, so I went downtown with Tamir, Shivia, and Bryanna to listen to Shivia & Bryanna's readings. Afterwards Shivia & Bryanna got rides home so Tamir & I got on the bus. Once Tamir got off she felt bad because she knew what my mother said to me. I didn't honestly know what to do with myself at the moment. I figured I'll get off at my bus stop and walk to the police station and sit in there.
Once I got into the police station I just sat down on the ground with everyone else. I think these people were homeless. While I was sitting there I tried to keep my head down but I couldn't help but notice that homeless people have a sense of freedom...they have nothing to loose. But they looked misreble at the same time. That made me think for a long time while sitting there waiting for my mom to come pick me up whenever she wanted too. I don't think I have a 'home'. Home is where you feel safe, and its the base you run to when you can't go anywhere else right?
Then why was I sitting there with a bunch of homeless people? That's because I don't think I have one of those places I ever feel safe. Only place I feel safe at is in my mind. Where no one else can penitratit or harm me....I wish I could sink into myself and just float away...
- I noticed something really disturbing.
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- matita_amante
- November 18th, 21:56
- blah
Looking back on past journals, the day after my first date with Steven (and the beginning of Sydney-drama) my life has gone completely down hill. My feelings have been nothing but sadness, anger, and slight suicidal thoughts. Maybe that day to gain Steven I had to loose Sydney.
I don't think I could possess both of them. And I'm glad I gained Steven so...this is it. I'm finally letting Sydney go, if she decides to talk to me then I will talk back to her....but we can never as close again...=/
- ....I need a life....
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- matita_amante
- November 18th, 2:15
guilty
I've notice this before but today Steven pointed it out to me while he was arguing me down not to do my homework, (I'm doing it now—don't tell him.) He told me that from an outside view it seems like all I do is, Wake up, Go to school, go to work, do homework, sleep, then start all over.
& He is right...that IS all I do. I don't have time for a social life, my parents set up my life & boundries like that, my mom STILL restricts me on how many times I can go out during the year, and how much money I can spend during everything. I think she only cares when I have to pay or use her money.
but Steven was right...my life has become all work and no play, and I'm too consentrated on school...but that's where I feel safe....and honestly....I felt like hanging up on him. Becuase he was speaking the truth and I didn't want to hear it. But I admitted it to him just so that I could go do my homework & he can go to sleep.
- Solar midnight.
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- matita_amante
- November 15th, 8:00
scared
So I couldn't make it to livejournal for a while. The last time I posted was the 13th....that was just a general lonely day. We were moving all day I had no break, we're in our new house now and I'm starting to wish I had some sense of privacy I really do. I don't understand how I can have no privacy but still be lonely all the time. Sometimes my life is a hell hole.
Yesterday my mom kept making me mad, first she said Steven could come over, but when I asked her what the the address of our house so I could give it to him and she wouldn't tell me, she still hasn't told me. In the end I just told Steven some other time because she was acting funny and when I told her he wasn't coming over she got upset with me because I told him that.
So then Steven & I were having a very....sexual conversation on the phone, picture messaging back and forth. And I had turned the light off in the hallway because it was giving me a headache. After a while my mom turned the light back on, and I told Steven to 'hold on' and I went to ask her, "May I turn the hallway light off?" She looked at me for a while. I had a on spegetti strap on. Suddenly she screamed at me and grabbed my upper arm yanking me into the bathroom. She started to go off about my acne. She started to point roughly with me, slightly hurting me and telling me things like, "I DON'T CARE IF THAT BOY ASK YOU TO PROM, YOU'RE NOT GOING! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EMBARASS ME LIKE THIS!" And in the back of my mind, I regret ever going to ask her to turn the light off. (The light never got turned off.) SO after a while of her screaming at me I just walked away and went back in my room. I couldn't close my door because I'm not allowed and now I wish I could close my door, cut off the world. After I went in my room, the mood was ruined and everything was fucked up because I know I have acne, this is why I always wear hoodies all the damn time. She knows I'm ashamed of my skin why the hell did she have to go there?
After I came in my room, I told Steven I had to go. He sounded disapointed but he was okay with it, after that I just turned off and tried to go to sleep. But no, my mother wouldn't let it go. She came in my room screaming and hollering again. I don't understand why does this, anytime I'm on the phone she moved around she's up and about and I feel like telling her, "Go sit down..." . Last night she kept screaming and screaming, I know the neighbors could hear her because my window was open. She started screaming things like:
"YOU'RE FUCKING DIRTY THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCKING ARE! I NEVER HAD ACNE WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE! YOU NEED TO WASH YOUR SKIN!""WHEN STEVEN SEES SOMEONE THAT IS MUCH CUTER THAN YOUR ASS, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT CUTE ANYMORE, HE WILL LEAVE YOU FOR THEM!"
She stormed out of the room, still ranting I could hear her all night....I hate this...I hate where I live at...why do I have to look the way I do? I wish I could rip my skin off and just disappear I want to just fade away I need alone time. I need fucking privacy. I've been seeing a disturbing trend in my mom lately, she's been starting up on attacking me lately.
Hopefully It won't be a repeat of 7th grade...In 7th grade her verbal abuse was terrible, I would come to school with swollen eyes because she knows what makes me cry so she would take it and pretty much smack with it. Tricia is the only one that really knows about it because back then she was the only one I could tell and I could have a heart to heart conversation with. I don't know who to go to with is....I think I'll just bottle this up again.
Everyone keeps telling me Steven is going to leave me and I don't want him too, I don't know why people would say that knowing how I feel. I'm starting to believe them and now I just sit and wait for Steven to crush me. I him to reassure me that he won't but....we never know what's in the future....we never will....we just have to wait for it to come.
- . . .
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- matita_amante
- November 12th, 22:33
lonely
. . .
- An entry about my Steven.
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- matita_amante
- November 11th, 21:32
I have to write about him right now because I know he hasn't been getting attention in this journal. When in real life he's all I give my attention to. He makes me forget about everything, sometimes in my sketch book he is the concept of all my drawings. I can tell him my inner most thoughts and know he won't judge me. I don't have to fear that.
I can feel him sometimes when I'm on the phone with him, its like there are multiple sides of him but without one he couldn't be Steven himself. He's a lost confused soul sometimes, yet he's confident about his personality. He knows what he likes and tells me these things. He tries to pull me out of myself and into the real world. He wants to be the anti-drug. But in the end he's tired just like me.We just want the best out of life, but no matter how hard we juice it it seems impossible...
I love you Steven.
- Happy Veteran's Day.
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- matita_amante
- November 11th, 9:55
awake
Happy Veteran's Day, we say a prayer for all those souls lost in battle and for those who will never mentally be the same. We miss you in more than one way.
"Just paint the picture of a perfect place
They've got it better than what anyone's told you
They'll be the King of Hearts, and you're the Queen of Spades
And we'll fight for you like we were your soldiers
I know we've got it good
But they've got it made
And the grass is getting greener each day
I know things are looking up
But soon they'll take us down
before anybody's knowing our name." - One Republic
- Consume all of me. pt. 2
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- matita_amante
- November 10th, 23:24
groggy
As you know most of my emotional cylces go like this:
Sadness → Anger → Depression → Tossed away somewhere in the back of my mind.
Well this is the second round: Anger. The more I think about how Sydney has been treating me pisses me off, what more can I do to please her? I can't bend any father back than I'm already bent. What does she expect out of life? Sometimes she can be so damn dense. It's like talking to a wall, maybe that's why this has been so damn stressful. Ugh....why am I even bothering writing this entry....I'm moving on with my life.
- Consume all of me.
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- matita_amante
- November 10th, 21:36
- uncomfortable
So today at lunch I found out that Sydney is offically moving to California and my heart dropped. Everyone was leaving me behind, pushing me into their past. I don't know how to feel. I know other people have worse situations than me so why am I so upset?
Bryanna made a rude comment about yesterday and it kind of pissed me off on the bus ride back from work. I was sitting quietly listening to my ipod thinking about things. Tamir asked me if I ever cry because I don't seem like the kind that would. I said, "I try not to cry in front of people." And Bryanna squinted her eye at me and said, "Well you need to work on that." I just looked at her....yesterday when the kids were pushing me on the ground, Bryanna was the only one that saw me cry in the back of the locker room. I guess I didn't think much of it because she was suppose to be one of my "Best Friends" But I guess not. Now I can't really trust anyone.
My guard is back up and it sucks. I'm closing up again...and its involuntary this time around. & Ever since Monday Steven has been really shutting things out. I guess the pressure is finally getting to him as well. He just seems down and wears a blank face. I try to get him to smile because I don't want him to be sad while he's with me...I don't know...I don't know anything anymore...
I feel defeated, hopeless & under pressure I know that sooner or later Sydney will fade away just like my Father, Darrell, & My Grandfather (father's side.) Not to be seen or heard, What do I do? Should I allow my emotions to show in real life? Because honestly I feel retarded just typing out everything I feel in here, I try using my sketch book and it makes me feel better. Sydney has already moved on with her life...so...I guess it's time to drop my grasp on her. Let her go...because if I really cared about her, I would. I can't hang onto these emotions it's not heathy....
It's time to move on, and turn my head away from the crowd
- Are we sinking in an ocean of faces?
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- matita_amante
- November 9th, 17:45
discontent
I'm kinda mad, after everything that's been building up some bitch today pushed me over the edge.
I know they don't like our group of friends and everything but they don't need to go this physical with us, I have a bruise & a scaped knee cap thanks to them. Everytime I got the ball, the second second I was pushed down on the ground, no sorrys or anything, just laughs.
I can't wait for highschool to be over with...I'm sick of these kids...I could barely keep a smile afterwards because it was not funny at all. My knee started to swell and the coach had to get an icepack for me. I hate those group of kids, I swear I do...then some girl ran into me and we fell and then she going to start screaming and yelling at me,
"YOU DID THAT SHIT ON PURPOSE!" "WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!" "DON'T YOU KNOW THE M EANING OF TOUCH-FOOTBALL?" I really wanted to yell back, "Don't you? I have a bruise on my legs thanks you." But I didn't...I just tried to let everything go but they just kept rough housing with us and the coach did nothing. They continued to cuss at our team, claim we were cheating and this went on all period.
That was just fourty-seven minutes of hell. I wish these kids would leave us alone, what the fuck did we ever do to them? This happens anywhere I go, I'm always labled as the freak and weirdo and then picked on. I'm just waiting for this shit to be over with like elementry-school. The only thing keeping my head up is the fact maybe once college comes I can finally cut the fuck off from the world. I need a mental break.
I can barely keep a smile on my face anymore...I can feel my mask breaking off my face and it sucks, I'm trying to put the piece back together and maybe wear my mask even heavier if possible. I felt terrible afterwards, I let myself cry, I hate to let people see me cry. I tried to put my jacket over my face and once I did that it just all slipped out. Now everyone probably thinks I'm a cry baby because of it. I hate when I cry in public after I got myself to stop crying in the locker room I didn't know what else to do with my sadness.
I'm always bottling things up and people purposely shake my bottle just to see if it would burst. My emotions are mine. My thoughts are mine. And I hate to share them with people because I feel like they would judge them and those are my personal thoughts, what right do they have to analyze and pick at my inner most thoughts?
This always happens, my sadness becomes angry, and that angry becomes rage and then it all just circles back around to sadness and I just bury it because I don't know what else to do with them.
I need to have a stronger mask in real life, wear one with just a smiley face and make sure it doesn't slip, ignore all the bullshit around me, ignore the painful beatings of my heart and the tightness in my throat. I just need to keep my eyes on the ground and go through life.
- Screaming Hallejulah.
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- matita_amante
- November 8th, 14:16
pensive
So today Steven and had sex again and it was great :] He came over today because yesterday on the phone I told him about Sydney & how my depression was starting to kick in. He said he was going to become my anti-depressant and I don't mind at all. I don't know why but every time after sex I always become sad. Not because it's over because I feel like I was used and being stupid.
I'm fifteen and having sex...that obviously isn't right...I feel stupid in general. People keep saying that. I'm stupid for having a 17 year old boyfriend, I'm stupid for having sex with him and I'm stupid for following everything my parents say. I guess I'm just an overall stupid person...
- I wish I could rewind but I can't...so what to do with my emotions?
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- matita_amante
- November 7th, 17:21
- disappointed
So it's the Third month into my sophomore year and the feeling of emptyness has returned. Sydney & I have drifted apart and I can't help but miss her in so many ways. She knows how I feel, she knows I need her and want to continue talking to her but she won't talk to me anymore. I don't know if she's upset with me but its like anytime we end up talking it's a shallow conversation she doesn't even talk about the ideas we had together. I wish I never gave her those books we made together. I kind of want them back but I know I'm not getting them back so it's a lost cause.
My mom allowed me to talk to her again so I try to call her every night but she never answers. I feel so....weird....everyone in the past I made connections with are no longer rooted into my life. It's strange, I thought Sydney would be that person as well. She's part of my past now and I have to accept everything that happened between us we're both never going to admit to in public. So...it's like it never happened...
I feel like being anti-social and fading away into the background. I want to cry but nothing is coming, I can feel it in my chest. I turned my cell phone off just because I need this time alone. I might start on my homework in a while. I remember Mr. Locke (APUSH teacher) pointed out something really important one day. We weren't paying attention to him and we were talking to the person next to us and he stopped and said,
"Stop what you're doing and take a look around. In ten years you probally aren't going to talk to these people. You're all going to move on with your life and just be a memory to each other. So why mess up something that's going to be there for the rest of your life?" -Mr. Locke
I guess I should stop worrying about my social life and get to focus on my academics. My GPA is a 3.8 and I feel like I can do better...maybe get strait A's again and stop letting things distract me. I know how my life is looking in the next 3 years. Lonely, cold, College. I was thinking about going to Wheaton University I like that school.
Maybe I should try to take up a religion and stop being nutreal about the whole "God" thing. Maybe if I have faith in something I can let my guard down. I'm always just waiting for something bad to happen, and when it does I can be ready for it. I'm just waiting for Steven to dump me and move on with his life. I know other people are waiting for this too. Bryanna is waiting for it, My mother is waiting for it, and so is Karon.
Sometimes I wish I could just go through all the terrible things in life at once and just get it over with. Today everyone went out and had fun while I stayed inside and did nothing. I tried to call people to see what they were up too but everyone was out and about so...oh well.
I guess I was distracted for a while and now I need to focus back on what's really important.
- Of course.
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- matita_amante
- November 7th, 14:13
blank
So today I logged onto facebook and Karon's relationship status changed, "Karon Smith is now in a relationship with Malkayla and it's complicated. " Obviously. Dur.
- I wish Karon would leave this alone.
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- matita_amante
- November 5th, 13:54
aggravated
It's annoying me, Karon keeps talking about how he misses me and how he wish things could go back to the way things were. Well who's fault it that? And the thing that pisses me off the most—He doesn't even have 'feelings' for me. People tell me he does but he doesn't. I know when we were "Together" (w/e you want to call what that one week was) I know how he acts when he really likes someone. He's not acting like that towards me. He's acting like a jealous bitch and a baby.
I finally got my ipod back and I guess because of that I have no more reason to be talking to him, we have to classes together or anything so eh. The first time he said something was when he found out I had a boyfriend. He screamed in my ear really loud making my head ring for 30 minutes strait. The second time we tried to talk between 6th and 7th period, I tried to set it up because I could tell he was upset, he acted like he didn't want to say anything and that everything was okay, so it's like: "Eh okay fine." Past is past. Then he suddenly got a 'girlfriend' which I am fully suspecious of now.
And now that he gave me back my ipod. During 6th-7th period yesterday he pulled me by my backpack strap out of APUSH and pushed me on the wall and just looked at me. I just looked at him back like, "Really? Really now?" Then he said really softly, "I miss you." I didn't know what to say so I just smiled. He gave me one of those boraderline molestation hugs and Kyle walked by and said, "Dude, stop swallowing her." after he got finished hugging me he patted my shoulder and said, "We need to talk." I just said, "Okay." and he got upset. He said, "You said that like you don't even care!" I just continued to walk into class, I had an exam anyways.
After-school we talked kind of. People kept coming over and annoying us, they couldn't tell by us ignoring them with stern looks on our face that we were having an important conversation. Aggrivating. After the whole talk he raised his voice and said, "You left me for some guy!" and that pissed me off. I continued to say back to him, "What are you talking about? You didn't want to be in a relationship with me." and he got quiet and said, "I really liked you though...I did."
SO AFTER THAT TODAY he pulled me over during my lunch period and starting talking about Steven & I's relationship about how what's going to happen when he goes to college, and how it's possibly not going to work out because of that and that he'll be there when he's not. He used the term "I'm just waiting for dude to leave." I left like smacking him like, "Why are you So damn into this!? You don't even WANT me!" and he never did so idk why he's being bitchy.
- Halloween
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- matita_amante
- October 31st, 13:52
bouncy
Halloween was fun. I got invited by Annie & John to go down to harper street. I remember last year I diclined to go hang out with Sydney & Alex and watch a scary movie downtown. I'm glad I came with them this year. John kept teasing me saying that Darrell might be down there. I tried to ignore him and the pain in my chest.
All my previous entries on Darrell are lost since MyDearDiary.com died. It's strange not having all those rants in one place, I feel like I lost a bit of my memories and emotions with them but I'm alright, I have to move on with life right? I am happy though! Stevie came with us and so did Nigel. I feel kinda bad because I'm always dragging Steven along with me places with my friends & he never does that same really. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong with him not because I don't love him—I do. But I feel like I kinda snatched him up and stole him away from the rest of world. And I don't want to give him back, he makes me so happy I wish I could be with him as long as I could but I know nothing last forever.
"Can't force these eyes to see the end." -Paramore
Happy Halloween to all :]
